C. S. Lewis wrote of God “setting love in order” as THE work of God in man. It is an amazing thought. Love is considered to have 4 basic categories. In simple terms these are STORGE (affection, especially from family), PHILIA (friendship), EROS (being in love), and AGAPE (unconditional love). It is interesting to discover this very order in the good parenting that results in emotionally healthy people.
STORGE manifested in touching, holding, eye contact, along with the emotional impact of being wanted are the most basic needs of an infant up to 4 or 5 years of age. Most adults do not understand that a baby, unable to understand speech, receives instead the full emotional impact of rejection or acceptance. Infants formulate concepts before speech and perceive rejection and acceptance and yet are unable to express their fear or anxiety. To an infant a lack of STORGE is equal to being alone; and for an infant being alone is like death. Without STORGE something dies inside them.
STORGE love leads a child to the next developmental stage where they begin to formulate a healthy internal image of themselves. Healthy PHILIA is then able to exist as they interact socially. Girls, for instance, will not find themselves in need of the affirmation of a boyfriend in the back seat of a car because they have a foundation of affection from their dad. They are then able to come into EROS and handle it with a clear mind and make clear decisions about marriage (and not have a loss of control emotionally, based in a need for STORGE). And finally they are able to come into AGAPE when the feeling of falling in love has faded.
The reality of the human condition, unfortunately, leaves us more times than not growing up with these loves “out of order.” As a result, we find hundreds of ways to cope. Everything from alcohol to pornography addiction to homosexuality - we run the gamut. We know there is forgiveness and grace in Christ and at the same time we know that “repentance” is part of serving and pleasing God. If we made a sincere commitment to Christ the Holy Spirit will convict us to repent (to leave behind) of these things we have used to cope. And yet many times we can’t seem to overcome these things except in short time spans.
To come into full repentance we first must understand something about the nature of sin. Sin is mostly self-centered in nature. Coping mechanisms put self-made solutions to our needs before God’s solutions. A coping mechanism that is sexual in nature is, in a sense, cannibalism in that it uses other humans to meet a need. Self is therefore the motive and not concern for another. Other coping mechanisms like alcohol eventually isolate us or become priority over the needs of our loved ones. Again, self.
God’s will is for us to fully depend on Him and not self-produced coping. This is accomplished through God’s Word and fellowship with God through prayer and worship. Obedience to God is eventually rewarded with peace in understanding a balance between grace and repentance. God gives us grace and forgiveness for our failings on the road to repentance. God gives us wisdom through His word and our fellowship with him to understand why we self-cope.
The result of all this is that we come into a healthy relationship with God and we are able to love people with pure motive. We find ourselves operating in the basic law of God as Jesus expressed it. “Love God with all your heart and your neighbor as yourself.” And love is “set in order” in us.
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